Cancer takes you to the LAND OF IFONLIES

If only he hadn't smoked, or worked with heavy duty chemicals in aviation...if only we had not lived under a huge set of power lines. If only he had eaten better. If only I had fed him better. If only we had gone to the doctor sooner. If only I knew what we should do. If only I could get him to eat. If only.....

Good Day; Bad Day

Yesterday was really good and today was really scary and sad. When his pain is less, I am so much more optimistic. When his pain is severe, I can barely function. I thought I had survived some really bad things in my life....but nothing compares to this.

I am not giving up. I would not want Ray to give up on me. But it has become very obvious today that he is giving up. I can't say why except that I believe on some level he thinks he deserves this since he smoked so many years. I just know that is the way he thinks, and it is the result of his horrible childhood.

I do so appreciate your prayers.

I am reading the book, Cancer Free (and a million other things) ...any comments?

From what I am learning, I am petrified of all conventional treatments, but if there is any chance that conventional treatment could help, I don't want to completely dismiss it.....but that means on others making decisions for Ray and that scares me even more. I am petrified of making mistakes but I am even more terrified of him being somebody else's experiment.

If my love could heal Ray, he would be healed. I adore this man I have been married to for more than 38 years. He is such a gift to me and to everyone else in his life. How blessed I have been to be his wife.

I was asked what my favorite scripture is and that changes all the time....but I can tell you that the 100th Psalm has been very very dear to me for several years now. Go read it. I love you all.

Carla

Sweetest husband on earth

Ray and I started dating in high school but had basically known each other pretty much our whole lives. When you are from a small town with one school, everybody knows everybody. We were both in the band...he played everything including the tuba, french horn and trumpet. I played the flute and piccolo. I worked hard at it. Ray didn't. Music was one of many things that came easily to Ray.

We have been married more than 38 years and have four children. We have 7 grandchildren and one on the way. Both our daughters have Rae as their middle name and two of our granddaughters as well..... and one has a form of Rae as Raelynn. The grandkids call him Danigh....or Dan for short. Our first grandchild named us. I am Baba and Ray is Danigh. Danigh is a combination of night night, which is what she first called him because he always goes to bed earlier than everyone else since he gets up early....and Dad, which she heard her dad calling him. That somehow became Danigh. The children and grandchildren all adore him....as do I.

I am praying that God gives Ray back to me, as He did, December 15, 1989. I got a phone call just after 7 am that Ray had been hit by a train and they did not expect him to make it and thought his head injuries were severe. To make a very long story, short, I brought him home that day. His injuries were not so major, after all. Since that time we have celebrated Thank God Daddy Didn't Get Killed By the Train Day every 12-15. It was very poignant for me that we had our first appointment with the oncologist on that day 2009. I actually had figured out what was wrong with Ray around the 9th. Since I am a professional worrier, I tried to dismiss what I had put together, but stayed up all night every night researching and alternately panicking and praying.

Now the docs have basically given us no hope (but they aren't in the hope business.) He has non small cell stage IV lung cancer metasticized to the brain (numerous tumors) and 4cm masses on his adrenals. They say it is too late for surgery though my research doesn't confirm that .....but I am not a fan of surgery either.

We are home. He is undergoing radiation for his brain tumors but I really wish we were not going that route....but I think Ray thinks it is necessary. I appreciate any input anyone has on that or any other topic relating to healing cancer.

In a moment my life and my priorities changed drastically. Nothing will ever be the same.

I get scared and discouraged and words like "terminal" and "dead man walking" hurt more than I can express but I don't have time to feel that. No matter what, I am not giving up. I am asking God for a miraculous healing. If not, then one that we seek out. I am trying to keep Ray alive long enough for us to find what will work for him. Giving up is just not an option. Ray is worth every ounce of effort I can muster.

Thanks for caring. Your prayers are so appreciated.....as well as your financial contributions. This is very difficult for me to even accept, but I have to say yes...for Ray.

Love, Carla